I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
