When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
