U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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