I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
