saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
