its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I need to wash the frat house off of me
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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