I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
