I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I think people are normalizing furries
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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