you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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