I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Randomize
