I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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