i would punch a child for taco bell
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
