Potential corruption. He's 19.
Get them while they're young!
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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