I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
