god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
