two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
