I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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