Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
