i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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