i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
