nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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