got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
organizing the empties. That sober.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
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