I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
