Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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