I wish I could teleport
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize