then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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