we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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