He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
