i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I supernannyed him into submission
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
