I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
