I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
