mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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