my mouth tastes like poor choices
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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