Only a mothe r could love this liver
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
