I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
