Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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