She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
