Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
