I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
