What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
