you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
