Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
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