Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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