just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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