Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
i drank out of a bidet.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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