I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
