Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
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