i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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