This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
