How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
