guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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