: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
