I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
