I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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