be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
