i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Randomize
